Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
