He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
