when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
