He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
tell your sister to shave her snatch
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Randomize
