Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
