You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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