remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
