You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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