He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
So vagazzling was a success
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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