if only i could text you this smell
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
