I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize
