do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
