Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
