if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
