I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
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