you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
