checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
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