I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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