Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Randomize
