The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize