I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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