Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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