Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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