Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
