there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Randomize
