I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
last night I used snow as a chaser
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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