i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
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