You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
