On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I find it funny that "sexual harassment" contains the phrase "ass sex". Let me know what your thoughts are on the matter.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Randomize
