4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Randomize
