So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Floor bacon is actually really good
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
