If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
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