how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
