dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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