At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
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