I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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