I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
