Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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