apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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