you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
