his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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