I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
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