Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
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