saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Randomize
