It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize
