my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Randomize
