Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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