did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
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