i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
i was like the pretty and slutty 8th grade girl who goes to a party, gets wasted, and ends up having sex with a senoir
details?
alcohol + bed + penis = sex
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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