I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Randomize
