HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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