i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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