yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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