ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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