I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Come on in and take your pants off
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