I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I want to make a zoo with you.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize
