I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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