I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
